Behavior

The Trials Of Life

Aaron — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 12:43:58 -0500

SEPTEMBER has been a roller coaster, to say the least.

When the month started, I hadn't seen two of my daughters for weeks as their mother found herself in some trouble and checked herself and our children, without my consent, into a woman's shelter. Legally hamstrung, I devoted all my time into my business and saw some exciting growth.

A couple weeks later, busier than I've ever been in my life, the mother found her way into some trouble, landed in jail, signed over her rights to our kids to her mother and without her parental alienation campaign at full strength, I've been spending considerably more quality time with my kids. Then over this past weekend, I was in an accident and fractured my left humerus and dislocated my arm, severely limiting the time I can spend blogging or even performing my business duties.

I've been resting non-stop for the past few days and have had some time to reflect on all that's happened and my only regret right now is not being able to blog. Sometime over the last year, I became addicted, focused on publishing as much free, quality information as possible for fathers. Some of you have been invaluable supporters in this mission, and it is you I thank most and feel most indebted to.

I've decided to finish the current Personal Development series over two months instead of one or scrapping it altogether due to the fact it won't be completed this month. I'm slowly regaining some motion in my arm and when possible, I'll be writing new articles and brainstorming ways to make Dadviser even better for the end of the year.

Until then, I hope to see you all continue to make your lives better, so stop by now and then to let me know how things are going.

DAD TALK

* Have you ever been disabled?
* How did it make you think differently about your life?
* Have you experienced parental alienation?
* How did you respond and what would you do different next time?

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7 Ways To Say I Love You And Mean It

Aaron — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 08:08:00 -0500

EVEN though we tell our kids and significant others we love them and probably mean it even more, we don't always say it with the meaning it deserves. Often in our busy lives, the words "I love you" are said with the same emotion as "Talk to you later" and come out sounding like an auto response.

Fortunately, there are some easy rules to apply so that when you tell your loved ones you love them, they'll believe it instead of just hearing it.

1. Use eye contact- One of the easiest ways to convey your love is through eye contact. Your words may not always carry the weight of your sincerity, but your eyes always will.

2. Use names- By adding your loved ones name, pet name or relation, your words are sure to get more attention.

3. Touch- Humans learn best when multiple senses are stimulated. A hug or a held hand adds a sensual component to your words.

4. Use non-verbal cues- As with above, adding a smile or wink to your words will increase their power.

5. Never use love and but in the same breath- Using these words in the same sentence sends mixed messages. If you have a concern, bring it up before and make sure the person you are talking to knows they are loved regardless of the concern.

6. Be unexpected- Don't save all your "I love you's" to bedtime or when you are leaving for the day. By saying these words at unexpected times, they are sure to be remembered.

7. Be unconditional- Loving unconditionally is something we owe our children. Telling them you love them when you least feel like saying it will reinforce the times you are expected to say it.

The next time you find yourself rushing an "I Love You", stop yourself, remember these rules and say it one more time.

DAD TALK

* Do you feel sincere every time you tell someone you love them?
* What ways have you told someone you loved them and gotten the best reactions?
* Do you feel like "I Love You" is becoming an auto-response like "Fine" is to "How are you doing?"

The Top 4 Parenting Styles And Why You Should Avoid 3 Of Them

Aaron — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 19:29:48 -0500

THOUGH there are numerous factors that go into the type of children we raise, ultimately our parenting style will form the basis for the kind of person they grow up to be.

Financial situations, outside influences and personal experiences will always be around to make things interesting. But if we commit to a positive parenting style and remain consistent throughout their childhood, our kids will more than likely turn out to be productive, well-balanced, socially-responsible members of society that never fall far from the tree.

Psychologists have studied parenting behavior for over 80 years now, and have been able to categorize each of us into four parenting styles.

1. Authoritarian- These parents demand respect, are firm believers in punishment to modify behavior and offer very little flexibility in their children's lives. While this style of parenting can be effective in instilling rules, research has shown some negaitve side effects including:
* A tendency to become a follower
* Low self-esteem
* Aggressive, defiant behavior
* Poor social skills
* Higher levels of depression

2. Permissive- These parents allow their children to do as they wish and shield them from the ills of the world. This style can be effective for creating friendly relationships, but can have the following side effects in children:
* A tendency to always need things their way
* A lack of self-control
* An underdeveloped thought process
* Higher likelihood to under perform at school

3. Uninvolved- These parents are often saddled with time or money constraints, are content to let technology or others command a majority of their children's lives and believe they have no right to limit their child's behavior. Negative side effects of this style include:
* Detachment
* Under developed social skills
* Aggressive behavior
* Increased likelihood of drug use

4. Authoritative- These parents see themselves as consultants and help their children understand their behavior so they can make their own decisions. They recognize the importance of raising children capable of making their own choices and encourage them to follow their own path. Research has shown this to be the most beneficial style of parenting, with side effects including:
* Increased independence and responsibility
* Higher self esteem
* More socially competent
* Better developed thought process

There are obviously exceptions, but three of the four styles lead to problems we have ourselves, don't want for our children, or worse, both. Breaking the chain of parenting style is extremely difficult, and only by looking truthfully at ourselves can we even hope to raise our children differently than we were raised.

Fortunately, parenting has begun to evolve more rapidly as parents are taking responsibility for their part in how society has degraded around us. New hybrids of parenting styles are cropping up. While some may have always been around, they have now been identified, allowing parents more defined choices in how they raise their children.

These new styles include:

1. The Nurturant Parent Model- This model believes that children inherently know what they need and should be allowed to explore.

2. The Strict Father Model- This model places strong value on discipline as a means to survive and thrive in a harsh world.

3. The Attachment Parenting Model- This model believes a strong emotional bond with parents during childhood is a precursor of secure, empathic relationships in adulthood.

4. The Taking Children Seriously Model- This model believes it is possible and desirable to raise and educate children without either doing anything to them against their will, or making them do anything against their will.

5. The Parenting For Everyone Model- This model believes that kindness is the key to raising good children, whether it's the parent or not.

I will definitely be going into each of these newer styles more in the future as they are at the forefront of the fathers' rights movement and the increase of fathers wanting to play a much larger role in their children's lives.

If you are interested in seeing what type of parent you are, check out one of these quizzes:

* What's Your Parenting Style?
* Parenting Profile Questionnaire
* Parenting Style Quiz

DAD TALK

* What style of parenting do you consider yourself to be using?
* What, if any, side effects do you believe your style will have on your children?
* Which of the new styles do you think might work best in today's society?

Top 5 Ways To Get Your Kids To Want To Do Their Chores

Aaron — Tue, 10 Jul 2007 16:38:24 -0500

A work ethic is something we can all agree is important, but learning wasn't exactly the fondest part of our childhood. I was often overloaded with chores as a child, but thank my parents now for the beliefs of working with the family and using hard work to get what we want in life they instilled in me.

Nowadays it seems, chores for children is a thing of the past. Whether parents find it easier to do themselves or just don't think their kids should have responsibilities (or perhaps think they have too many), I think a great opportunity to teach teamwork and consequences is missed.

When we work together as a family, not only do we bond, we also free up more time to bond in other ways. It always brings people closer when they are battling in the trenches together and you also tend to learn more about them.

Learning about consequences may be even more valuable. There will come a time in everyone's life (even Paris Hilton's) when not doing something right will lead to an adverse consequence. Not showing up to work or doing a poor job will lead to termination. Driving drunk and partying everyday like a rock star will ultimately lead to jail or worse. Not wearing a condom or using birth control will lead to, well you get the point.

Is there such a thing as too young to learn this lesson?

I don't believe so, and so while I play an inordinate amount of time with my kids, I also make sure there is a structured chore program in place. It's received its fair share of griping, but for the most part, the following five rules have allowed the program to be effective and dare I say, enjoyable.

1. Start early on and evolve - Some family educators believe the best predictor to success later in life is a child helping with chores by three or four. I've started my kids by that age with sorting dirty clothes, feeding the pets and picking up their own toys. As time goes on, a younger sibling will take those responsibilities as the older ones learn to help in other ways. Gradually easing them into more responsibilities and having a list of everything that needs to be done are the keys to the path to least resistance.

2. Have clear expectations - For children to do their chores correctly, they need to know exactly what you expect from them. Obviously you're just happy your four year old is helping, but your eight year old needs to know that rinsing her dish is part of cleaning her spot after dinner. Only by knowing what you expect can your child learn from any consequences there may be for not doing so.

3. Establish a rewards system - A lot of people believe rewards are akin to bribery, but these same people would disagree they are being bribed to work for their paycheck. Getting a reward for working is what America is all about and is often what keeps us working when we'd rather be doing something else. The savvy parent will find means other than money to reward their children and reinforce the original value of doing chores in the first place. For example, time alone together at the beach or letting one of your children pick what the Friday night activity will be are powerful reinforcers. In time, money will become a main motivator, but there are many lessons to learn about money, as well.

4. Set a good example - In my house, the kids did the chores and the parents relaxed after a long day or week of work. I did my chores more out of fear than for reward, and having to do them all felt hypocritical. As a father, I believe in setting an example for your children, one they can actually see. I have my own chores around the house and I also believe we should do at least two things we don't want to do everyday. I also don't believe in complaining. As a result, my children see that Dad does his chores, and usually more, without complaining, and to try their best to do the same.

5. Use patience over consequences - While I am a proponent of using consequences to teach, I believe more in patience. Children are their own people and are going to do many things on their own schedule or at minimum, not as fast as you could do them. If time allows, I'll give my kids all the time they want to complete their chores, but they are to do nothing else until they are done. If that means missing out on a family activity or a favorite television show, that is a good consequence for a young child. As they get older, not receiving a reward becomes a better consequence. Try to remember never to make them feel like they are bad, but instead, show how their actions led to the consequence.

By following the above rules, your children will learn the importance of working as a family and that not performing our responsibilities leads to consequences. The earlier you can start them helping out, the better.

Remember, kids want to help out and feel like they've contributed. It's up to you to be creative and patient to find the system that will work best in your home.

Daddy's Girls

Aaron — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 23:20:56 -0500

IF you consider your daughter a daddy's girl, don't be surprised if she brings home a man that looks like you one day. According to a new British study, women who got along well with their dads as children tend to be attracted to men who resemble them physically.

Anthropologists examined 15 key facial proportions, compared those with random facial images and calculated the degree of similarity between which ones women felt more attracted to. After all that, the scientists took the results from two groups of women depending on how positively or negatively they rated their relationships with their fathers.

The results? A near certainty to a previously suggested theory that girls that had good relationships with their fathers were likely to look for their fathers qualities in men later in life.

The scientists added that this may be the result of women hoping to find mates that will be good fathers to their children.

Important Statistics About American Dads

Aaron — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 17:09:43 -0500

DAD'S don't always get the credit they deserve, especially after a divorce or separation, but from the looks of things, times are a'changin'.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, fathers play a much larger role in their children's lives than society would let on to believe. Some of the more interesting facts are:

* There are over 105,000 married stay-at-home dads. Clearly men are becoming more flexible to ensure their children are being cared for.

* There are over 2 million single fathers, compared to less than 400,000 in 1970. As a single father, I'm proud of these dads being so proactive in their children's lives.

* 10% of single fathers are raising three or more children. Way to go dads!

* 10% of single fathers are raising infants under 1. Who said dads don't like dirty diapers?

I'm proud of the growing movement of fathers playing larger roles in their children's lives, especially those of us who are doing it on our own. In time, the stigma of the "Disneyland Dad" will be behind us and fathers will get their due rights in court.

If we each play our part, together we will change our society for the better and show the world how important dads really are.

Discussion Points:

* Do you think fathers can someday be seen as important to children as mothers?
* Are you a single or stay-at-home dad? How do people treat you when they find this out?
* Do you feel fathers will eventually get all the same rights as mothers?

10 Great Ways To Spend Quality Time With Your Children

Aaron — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 16:47:53 -0500

THE one thing more important to your children than tv and video games is quality time with their father. Unfortunately, between work and the rest of life's demands, it's often hard to find the time to spend.

All is not lost, though. There are actually many ways to spend important, quality time with your children without breaking your time bank. Below are ten ways that I've enjoyed spending time with my children that puts a smile on their faces every time.

1. Tell them a story
Children love stories and playing make believe. Telling your kids stories is not only fun, it is educational. Check out these ten reasons why telling stories to your children is beneficial.

2. Go on a picnic
Food, fun and games with dad. What can be better? Turn your picnics into memories with these great picnic ideas.

3. Take a vacation
Family vacations are remembered forever. With a little creativity, you can plan a rewarding vacation with your kids that won't cost a fortune. Here are 20 family vacation ideas for under $800.

4. Build a fort
A child's imagination is endless. Dress up with them, build a fort and hang on. Check out this list of fun fort ideas.

5. Make S'mores
I can still smell them every time I think of making S'mores with my family. See the S'mores recipe if you have missed out on this classic treat.

6. Grow a garden
Gardening can be fun for the whole family. The trick is letting each person grow what they want and letting them do it on their own. If you need help, check out these 10 ways to make gardening more fun.

7. Eat together
Perhaps nothing is more commonly enjoyed than eating. It may be difficult to find the time to eat together, but make it a priority. Look at these ideas for turning dinnertime into family time for help.

8. Help with homework
Even though it's summer, your kids may still have homework from summer school or just enjoy learning. Roll up your sleeves and help out. These tips for helping your kids with homework will make the time even more rewarding.

9. Take a road trip
If you don't have time for a family vacation, make plans for road trips. There are more than likely dozens of great places in your area you can visit in one day. Check out these car travel tips for making the trip itself fun too. Remember, the joy is in the journey.

10. PLAY!
Playing games is not only fun, it's affordable and can be done spontaneously. Hide and seek, treasure hunts and playing catch are all free and enjoyable. Here is a list of more family game ideas.

What Is Legal Separation

Aaron — Sun, 01 Jul 2007 18:52:43 -0500

LEGAL separations are written agreements filed with the court addressing the rights and responsibilities of a married couple while they are living apart. Issues addressed include division of assets and debts, child custody and support, visitation schedules, and alimony.

All states except Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, Pennsylvania, and Texas recognize legal documentation of separation.

In many ways, legal separations are like getting a divorce. Why choose separation instead of divorce? Advantages of legal separations include:

* Retaining your marital status for religious reasons.
* Allowing time to live apart to decide if divorce is needed. In contrast to informal trial separations, legal separations establish how everything will be handled while the couple is apart.
* Continuing insurance benefits on your spouse's coverage. Be sure to check your policy for specific guidelines.
* Retaining certain military benefits.
* Remaining married in order to qualify for certain social security benefits of a spouse.
* Protecting your financial interests while apart, as assets and debts acquired during this time may be considered separate property.
* Continuing to file taxes jointly if beneficial.
* Converting the separation agreement to a divorce agreement if so desired.

While legal separations can protect you before getting a divorce, it can also set a precedence for the actual divorce.

In the event your divorce case goes to court, a judge would assume that if you were fine with the separation arrangements, then there is no basis to make any big changes with the divorce. Therefore, you should view the separation agreement the same way you would a divorce, and don't agree to anything that you can't live with. This is why it is so important to have your lawyer look over the agreement and discuss the implications of it with you.

You can find more legal separation information in the following articles:

• Legal Separations
• Preparing For A Divorce Or Separation
• Separation FAQs
• Temporary Support Orders
• Other Separation Articles
• Separation Agreement Handbook

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Improve Your Parental Communication Skills

Aaron — Sun, 01 Jul 2007 07:33:46 -0500

ONE of the best ways to improve your communication skills with your child is to use open-ended responses that do not convey judgment.

These "Door Openers" will help you get to the bottom of a problem instead of showing your child that you are interested more in winning than discussing with them.

Door Openers
"What do you think?"
"Would you like to share more about that?"
"That's a good question."
"I don't know, but I'll find out"
"I'm interested in what you are saying."
"Do you know what that means?"
"That sounds important to you."
"Do you want to talk about it?"

Door Slammers are the opposite and are used by the majority of parents. These statements imply a lack of understanding and result in more arguments instead of resolving the original one.

Door Slammers
"You are too young to understand."
"If you say that again, I'll..."
"That's none of your business."
"I don't care what your friends are doing!"
"We'll talk about that when you need to know."
"That's just for boys/girls"
"Why are you asking me that?"
"You don't need to know about that."
"Don't come to me if you mess up."

"Door Openers" are more difficult to communicate at first, but when the lines of communication between you and your child are thrown open, the results will speak for themselves.

Learn more about improving your parental communication skills at Gordon Training International.

How To Make Your Child Feel Special

Aaron — Sun, 01 Jul 2007 05:43:39 -0500

ONE of the greatest gifts you can give your children is to maintain a positive outlook on life no matter the circumstances. Remember, no matter how hard times get, they offer an opportunity to learn and grow. This even includes times your child is misbehaving.

By focusing on making lemonade out of lemons, you provide your children with the tools to do the same when, not if, life gets harder than they think they can handle. Below are seven ways to make your child feel special enough to believe they too can make lemonade, even out of the most sour lemons.

1. Take time for hugs.
No matter how little time you have, there is always time for a hug. Hugs can lift spirits and change both you and your child's attitudes and is often the most effective method to stop misbehavior. Next time you are feeling frustrated or cannot get your child to behave or look at the bright side, give them a hug. You just may be surprised at the outcome.

2. Hold weekly family meetings.
A half hour meeting every week will result in huge payoffs. Children feel good about themselves when they are listened to and taken seriously. Another tip is to allow your kids to help create morning and bedtime routines and creative ways for handling chores. Children are far more willing to follow rules and plans they helped create.

3. Ask for help.
Children need to feel needed. Instead of lecturing and scolding, ask them for their help politely. "Can you please tidy up the family room" invites more cooperation than, "How many times have I told you not to leave all your stuff all over the family room!".

4. Spend regularly scheduled, special time.
Young children need special time daily and when it's at a scheduled time they, and you, can count on, it's much more looked forward to. The amount of time is not as important as the attitude created by scheduling your special time. Children feel special when they know that time with them is as important as the rest of your time.

5. Share sad and happy times as part of the bedtime routine. When tucking your child into bed at night, let them share the saddest thing that happened to her that day. The key is to listen without trying to solve the problem. Then share your saddest time of the day. Next, take turns sharing your happiest event of the day. You'll probably be surprised at the things you hear when your children have your undivided attention to evaluate their day and hear about yours.

6. Take time to write a note for your child’s lunch bag, pillow, or mirror. While waiting in line or traffic, take the time to write an inspirational note to your child and put it in their lunch bag or on their pillow to help start their day off on a good note. These notes make children feel more special than most parents understand.

7. When you run a short errand in the car, ask one of your children to ride along -- just so you can spend as much time as possible together.
Take advantage of these rides by asking them an interesting question, letting them know how glad you are to have a few minutes alone with them or sharing your feelings with them. Kids feel special when you share yourself openly.

Helping your children feel special is a matter of planning and habit, not a lack of time. Get into it. The more special you can make them feel, the more you will feel special yourself.

The ideas above are excerpted from Jane Ed. D. Nelsen's terrific book, "Positive Discipline".